When Hate Turned Into Faith

by Mommy Joyce Castro

It was a Saturday, around 8 in the morning, Js and I were still in bed, I was vomiting and having diarrhea (the husband just got well), my back was to Js (the husband was downstairs preparing breakfast), when I thought I heard her choking.

When I turned to face her, she really looked like she was choking, she was staring straight at the ceiling, but looked like she wasn't seeing it at the same time, and her body was stiff, but I don't clearly remember if her arms were folded or straight on her sides, or if she was shaking.

I just grabbed her, ran downstairs, passed her onto her father's arms, and called for help outside.

Js' seizure at home was followed by 3 more in the ER. She screamed before each episode, and it killed me each time. When she started taking the anti-seizure medicine, we had to hold her still when she was awake because she hurt herself, so, if my memory serves me right, her neurologist advised to stop the medication on the 4th day.

I was asked how I dealt with it...

Not so gracefully for a long while. I was always crying, sleepless, and exhausted because I watched Js sleep. I was angry with God. I felt like all the efforts I made (giving up my job, changing my lifestyle, staying positive despite the risky pregnancy, and all the hospitalizations that came after birth) were wasted, like He never listened to me, like all the good things that I knew about Him weren't true.

Past tense.

I'm still traumatized, though. We all still are. We have this unspoken agreement to not leave Js in bed alone, so our day starts when she gets up.

I was also asked what lessons I learned...

To act on maternal instinct - it saved Js a number of times after that traumatic incident.

To give Js the connection that she needs even if I'm in the middle of something important because she's more important, to enjoy giving her care even if it means that she still wants to comfort-breastfeed at 4 years old in all the most inconvenient places, and to shower her with the love that she deserves because she's my child, and she only gets to be my little one once.

To trust God and to cast my cares upon Him again. Js attended the children's division at church pre-quarantine. Being there made things easier to understand - that there's a higher purpose for everything, and that there's Someone higher than me.